


Anything is possible, because right now, I'm alive

by CrowsAce



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Anxiety, Bulimia, Creativetwins, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Multi, Not with any of the main guys, Poor Roman, Remus is a good brother, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stalking, Suicidal Thoughts, Surprise character to be added later, That will be the toxic relationship, Toxic Relationships, With Roman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24345073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrowsAce/pseuds/CrowsAce
Summary: Growing up wasn't easy, it was all just too much for Roman so when he was 16 he tried to stop it all. Stop the noise. Stop the feelings. Stop the thoughts.He tried to kill himself. But failed.Now after four years Roman is finally being released from the hospital he was committed to, maybe finally he'll get a chance to live. To love.Unaware that there is someone that remembers him, and wants him all to themselves.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Other(s), Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 14
Kudos: 118





	1. First steps to freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again with Roman angst!! I cannot be contained!!
> 
> Warnings: Mental institution, implied mental health issues.
> 
> Apologises for any grammar and/or spelling mistakes

Roman sighed, forcing a smile on his face as he walked past the orderlies of the hospital that he had been staying at for nearly four years now as he made his way to the front of the building reception/waiting room area.

  
  


Because finally, he was free to leave. 

He, and one orderly named Sarah, had packed his bags at eight am, admittedly it didn't take long as he didn't have much with him, and then he had sat in his room till four pm when he was then allowed to go and wait in the waiting room.

  
  


He had to wait alone with nothing to do for eight hours… well, there was a few half hour breaks where someone came in to give him his mid morning snacks and then his lunch and then his mid afternoon snacks, whilst someone watched him eat.

  
  


After four years though he was quite used to it. Still, it was slightly different, normally his everyday life had no purpose, today he had to wait for _something_.

  
  


Remus was picking him up… he hadn't seen his brother in almost his entire stay, it wasn't that his twin didn't want to see him -  _ apparently - _ it was just that after Roman had been in the hospital for six months his brother got accepted into a college up state, then made the move up there permanent. 

Originally Remus was planning on giving up on going to college but Roman had insisted one of them should be able to live their life. 

So he had moved. 

  
  


And didn't come back, not once. Till now.

  
  
  


He knew he shouldn't be upset, he was, after all, the one to tell Remus not to bother coming over when he could be spending the holidays with his new friends. Besides they always had their weekly phone calls. 

  
  
  


Remus will perhaps never know just how much those phone calls kept him going. 

  
  


Walking into the waiting room he looked around to see if his brother arrived yet, he hadn't. 

  
  


"Ahh Roman." He jumped. Turning he found one of his primary doctors walking towards him.

"Dr. Ellis?" 

The doctor smiled at him.

"How are you feeling Roman, glad to be going home I bet?" The doctor asked gently.

  
  


Roman forced that smile again, the one that made his blue eyes sparkle, his voice was soft when he spoke.

"I'm good, and yes glad to be going home- though I admit I'm not sure where home is but I trust Remus wouldn't have moved us somewhere  _ too _ bad." He joked, ignoring the pit of dread in his stomach

  
  


The doctor chuckled in response. 

"I'm sure it'll be just fine, now, remember what myself and your other doctors talked to you about Roman. Just because you're not here doesn't mean you should fall back into bad habits. We've already sent all your information to your new therapist, and we'll expect you to keep up with the journaling, we know it's still new to you but we feel it will definitely benefit you out there, help keep your thoughts in order. Now why don't you go sit down and wait, I'll need to get your brother to sign a few things before you leave anyway." 

The doctor said with a smile, gently patting his shoulder before walking over to talk with the receptionist.

Another quick look around showed some others nervously waiting as well, shocking - you know, since it was a waiting room and all. 

Roman scoffed to himself then went to sit down by one of the fake plants. The chair was uncomfortable and hard but he didn't really care, he ignored it in favour of grabbing one of the magazines on the table nearby, might as well catch himself up on real world events.

  
  
  
  


Some time had passed and just as Roman was thinking his brother wouldn't come for him, that perhaps this was one big prank and his doctors would run up to him pointing and laughing telling him he'd be stuck here forever and then tie him and cart him off back to his room, he heard his brothers gruff yet somewhat high pitched voice, and froze. 

He heard his doctor respond to him, he tried hard to listen and make out what they were saying, but was unable to hear it clearly. They talked for what felt like forever. He just wanted to leave and see his brother.

But he also didn't want to because he was scared to see his brother. It had been so long. 

  
  


Footsteps were approaching him. 

  
  


They stopped.

  
  


"Ro?" 

He snapped his head up, wide pale blue eyes, looking into equally pale eyes. They just stared. 

  
  


Then Roman flew out of his chair and ran to his brother, unable to control the sobs.

"Ree." He cried, arms wrapping around his brothers neck as he began crying into his shoulder. 

  
  


How dare his  _ twin  _ be taller than him.

Remus wrapped his arms around Roman's middle, holding him close and burying his nose in his brothers hair. Almost saddened by the hospital smell that now lingered on his brother. He remembered when he used to smell like all sorts of sweet smelling fruits.

But it didn't matter because he had his brother back now, and soon the hospital smell will be gone.

They held each other for a little while longer before pulling away. Both had tears in their eyes.

"Ready to go home bro?" Remus asked smiling.

  
  


"You have no idea." Roman smiled back, and for the first time in a long time, it was genuine.

  
  


He said his final goodbyes to his doctors, who had come out to wish him well and also said bye to some of the orderlies that he would regularly talk to.

  
  


"Bye Sarah, good luck with Dan!"

She smiled and waved. 

"Thank you Roman! Bye I'm gonna miss you."

Remus picked up his bag.

"Is this it?" He asked hesitantly, he didn't really remember but he was sure his brother had more than  _ this  _ when he was left here.

Roman nodded. "Yeah… I… I had a bit of a clear out at the end of my first year here." He didn't really want to talk about it.

Remus just nodded swinging the way too light bag over his shoulder and mentally promising to take his brother out shopping soon. 

  
  


Then they went outside. 

  
  


Remus walked down the steps before realising his brother hadn't followed him. Turning back he saw him stood staring up at the sky, then at the trees, then just looking at the cars and just taking it all in. He was crying.

  
  


"Roman… are you ok?"

Roman looked down at his brother smiling. 

"Never better."

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's gonna be interesting. 
> 
> I always write Remus as the bad guy, felt like making him a good brother for a change.


	2. Is Freedom real?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Derealization disorder, implied self harm, implied suicide attempt

Roman took a deep breath and began walking down the steps towards his brother. 

He couldn't believe it. He really was free.

But was he?

  
  


Was it real though? 

Was today real?

Was he even real? 

He wasn't sure, but then again he was never really sure.

He took another deep breath.

  
  


"My name is Roman Prince, I'm twenty years old and the time is… is…"  _ don't panic. _

  
  


"It's five thirty Ro." His brother said softly, showing him his phone.

"It's five thirty and I'm finally leaving St Peter's hospital with my brother Remus Prince. I'm real. He's real. I'm real." 

Hand shaking he reached out to grab his brother's hand. Definitely real.

"I'm real." He mumbled.

Remus squeezed his hand. 

"You're doing so good Roman, you ready to get in the car?"

Roman nodded and then his brother began leading him to the car. 

Remus put the bag in the boot but before closing the boot door he asked, "Was there anything you wanted from in there?" 

  
  


Roman shook his head. "No, there's nothing in there but clothes."

Remus nodded and closed the door, then turned to his brother with a smile.

"I got something for you! Come on get in the car and I'll show you ok." 

Roman offered another smile and got in the car alongside his brother. It was weird how foreign and familiar this action was, he guessed he'd be having these feelings often considering.

  
  
  


Remus reached behind his seat grabbing a box and then excitedly handed it over to his brother.

Roman took a moment to admire the box, it had the map of the world printed on it.

"I told my friends that I'll be bringing you home this weekend, so they helped me get you some stuff I know you'd need. We'll still need to go shopping obviously but I didn't want you to be overwhelmed right away so… go ahead open it."

  
  


Slowly he opened it up. 

A grin took over his face, the first thing he saw on top was a black and navy blue scarf that had had glittery stars spread over it. It looked beautiful, gently he reached out to feel it, enjoying the soft material beneath his finger tips.

Stroking over the scarf he felt something blocky underneath, and for a moment he got really excited.

"D-do I get a p-phone?" He asked, trying to mask his excitement, it wasn't likely but still he, did miss his music.

Remus's grin faltered slightly. 

"No Ro… we need to talk about that before you get one." 

Roman tried not to show his disappointment as he nodded in understanding.

He must have failed because his brother's smile started fading, quickly he moved the fabric to see what the block was and - "Oh!"

He grinned in excitement again, pulling out the red ipod and earphones.

"This is even better!" 

Remus grinned again. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean one of the main reasons I wanted a phone was so I could have music." 

Remus chuckled happily.

"You'll be glad to know we've already set it up for you and added some songs, if there's any more songs you wanted just let me know ok." 

He nodded. "Umm, I forgot how do I turn it on?"

"Hold the middle button" 

He watched as the screen lit up, the battery fully charged.

"The key pad is touch sensitive so be-careful with the volume."

He nodded once more. Quickly scanning the song list. Smiling to himself he put the ipod down on his lap then went back to the box.

He pulled out a bag of cookies.

Snickering he looked at his brother. "I'm guessing you either had an aneurysm and baked oooor these are from your friend Patton."

Remus pouted. "I can bake."

  
  


He stared at him with a raised eyebrow. Remus huffed indignantly.

"What I can… if I want… but yeah no those are from Pat, he's pretty excited to meet you."

  
  


Roman smiled at the thought, then frowned. He was excited to meet people too but for many reason he didn't want to. He took a deep breath. He didn't have to focus on that now… unless.

  
  


"Are they gonna be…"  _ waiting, people do that right? Like a welcome home party thing.  _

  
  


Apparently sensing his panic and spiraling thoughts Remus reached out and gently stroked his arm.

"Hey it's ok Ro, they won't be there when we get in, it's just going to be us."

  
  


He couldn't help but sigh in relief. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, guilt beginning to eat away at him, his brother must hate him for getting in the way of him spending time with the people he actually cared about.

"Stop Roman, I can practically hear your thoughts, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I want you to be able to feel comfortable in your new home, you don't have to apologise for anything, understand? You are  _ not  _ a burden! I love you… ok?"

Roman sniffled. "Ok… I love you too Remus."

His brother squeezed his arm gently and smiled at him, Roman smiled back, and if Roman subtly wiped the tears from his eyes as he turned back to the box his brother would pretend not to notice.

There was only three things left in the box it would seem, a pack of professional looking pencils for drawing along with some fine liners and a journal. 

His eyes widened when he realised it was a moleskin journal, the pages seemed to be thick enough that he may be able to get away with using some water colours. 

A photo fell out of the back page. 

It was a photo of himself and his brother from five years ago before things went to compete shit in his head. They had their arms wrapped around each other, grinning at the camera, completely unaware about how their lives would change, how  _ his  _ would change. 

He noticed there was another photo stuck to it.

It was a more recent photo of his brother and his friends, they were group together in some dinner booth, leaning on each other pulling faces and laughing.

They were all so happy. 

  
  


"Turn it over." His brother said gently.

There was a message on the other side.

  
  


**Hey Roman!**

**We're all so excited to finally meet you! Your brother never stops talking about you - it's kind of annoying - Virgil! Anyway** \- Roman chuckled -  **we all just wanted to let you know how excited we are to be your friends, and to remind you that when you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long.**

**~The Gucci gang**

  
  


Roman noticed how it seemed three people (though mainly the one person) seemed to write the message. He thought the purple coloured person - Virgil? - was funny. 

At least Roman hoped he was joking, he wasn't sure how he'd be able to cope if he wasn't. 

It seemed they all took turns writing the letters for the last message. 

He was sure he heard the quote before. Some of the councillors used to like quoting all that bullshit to try and get the patients to 'liven up' one of the councillors in particular used to make them write out the quotes so it would stick with them… Roman was sure he wasn't the only one that used to draw dicks instead… he knew someone made a glittery one once, it was actually cool.

All in all, he tried not to cringe at the message.

Judging from Remus's snort of amusement he didn't do a good job.

"Yeah they're dorks, but they mean well."

Roman was surprised when his brother didn't point out how he just called his friends a whale penis, he always used to point out that words other meaning.

  
  


He put the photos back in the journal, then looked over the pens and pencils he now had, wondering what the quality would be like. 

Remus sighed. "Roman… about the art stuff… you… you can't draw without someone present alright?"

Roman froze, yeah he did expect that, his fault for trying to stab himself with a pencil during his first month in the hospital. It took ages before they finally let him hold a pencil again, and even then he was never allowed more than ten minutes at a time. But whenever he could he'd beg for the chance to draw. 

He was sure his drawing skills had suffered greatly for it.

"Right… do you know what happened to my old sketchbooks?"

"Probably in one of the cupboards back at home, we can look for them tomorrow if you like?"

Roman nodded.

His brother sighed. "Ro can you promise me you won't draw - "

"Yes I promise." He snapped, then flinched.

"Sorry."

"Stop apologising, I know it sucks… but… well…"

"Yeah I know… thank you for the gifts Ree."

"Anytime Ro-bro. Ready to go?" 

Roman took a deep breath and nodded. 

"Is it ok if I listen to music?"

"Of course."

  
  


As his brother pulled out of the car park and began driving away, Roman looked back at the place he had been forced to call 'home' for the last few years. 

He kept looking till he could no longer see it. 

  
  


Finally free.

"My name is Roman Prince, I'm twenty years old, it's six pm and I'm finally free from St Peter's hospital. I'm real. I'm free. I'm alive."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm using my own experiences of mental health to write for Roman, but if anyone else experiences this stuff it would be interesting to know what your coping mechanisms are.


	3. Evil twin who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Thoughts of death, intrusive thoughts, kinda suicidal thoughts but not really. Twins being twins.
> 
> This is the most fluffiest chapter I have written to date.
> 
> But if I have missed any tags let me know.

A half hour into the ride Roman felt himself beginning to drift off. He took the time to pause and turn off his ipod, not wanting the battery to die on him, he wasn't actually sure how long this drive would be.

  
  


Resting his head on his hand leaning up against the window he let his eyes drift shut as the movement of the car and the hum of the engine helped lull him to sleep.

  
  


His brother gently shook him awake.

"Hey bro, we're at a gas station, do you wanna come in and pick out something to eat and drink or do you want me to do it for you."

Roman scrunched up his nose, pretty sure he hated store bought sandwiches… but judging from the look on his brother's face he wasn't allowed to opt out.

"I'll come in and pick something… you'll only get me squid again." He sighed.

Remus cackled. "You remember that? Ha your face when you took a bite of it - hysterical!" 

Remus laughed some more, eyes glazed over seemingly lost in the memory. Roman cracked a smile. 

But when his brother seemed to come back to the present time Remus looked down and frowned.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry no joking about food." 

Now Roman frowned. He didn't mind.

"I'm just gonna fill the tank before heading in. You alright to wait here for a second?"

"I could head in and look now if you want."

  
  


Remus shifted in his seat nervously. "I'd… rather you wait for me, if that's alright."

Roman nodded giving his brother a smile, he didn't really get why he couldn't just go right in, maybe Remus was just worried he would be easily overwhelmed. 

Or maybe Remus just thought he would try and run away, maybe run straight into the traffic. 

How would that go? Would the car tyers rip him apart? Would he just merely be squashed by an oncoming truck? Maybe he'd be a bouncer, getting hit and bouncing over the car. He'd feel bad if he was that one, he'd probably end up breaking someone's windshield.

"-man. Roman!" 

"Huh." Roman blinked. 

Remus looked at him with concern, a frown slightly taking over his face.

"I said we can go in now… are you doing ok?"

Roman tried to put on his most brightest and charming grin. "Oh I'm fine."

His brother wasn't sold, but he didn't press.

  
  


"Come on then."

Roman got out of the car and followed his brother into the shop. He glanced over at the road, watching as the cars zoomed by.

Would he die instantly? In one hit? Or would he struggle? Would his body try and resist the pull of death? Would he -

"Roman?" A hand took his and held on firmly.

He looked at his brother's face, the other looked slightly scared. He really hoped he didn't say all that out loud. 

His brother was no stranger to intrusive thoughts, if this was five years ago he was sure his brother would have spent the entire drive so far chatting random shit. 

But no, his brother had been oddly restrained.

Roman smiled at him, hoping it came across reassuring.

"Sorry bro, just weird seeing all these cars again."

Remus slowly nodded and gave his hand a firm squeeze, but didn't smile back. 

He kept a hold of his hand even in the shop, some guy behind the counter frowned down at their hands but then did a double take when he saw they had the same face. 

Gently Roman tried to pull away. His brother shot him another concerned look. 

  
  


"I'm fine Remus, promise. It might help if we have both hands to grab what we want." 

Remus sighed but let go of him.

They walked over to the refrigerator section and eyed up the options, his brother instantly picked a sandwich and then went over to the other end to grab a drink.

Roman swallowed nervously and opened the fridge reaching out to grab a falafel wrap that looked interesting.

He heard a gasp from beside him, he looked over to see another man - another worker - that had been topping up the stock, he was looking at his arm in shock. 

Roman looked to see his long sleeve had fallen slightly for the tag around his wrist to be on show. The words  **'Patient of St Peter's Mental Institute'** were seen boldly around his wrist. Heh.

He looked back at the man, the man then looked from his wrist to him, Roman could see the fear in his eyes.

Slowly Roman grinned. Channeling his inner bad guy, or his 'inner Remus' as the twins used to joke. 

The man squeaked and ran away. 

  
  


Roman put a hand over his mouth to cover his laughter. That had been way too much fun.

"What's so funny?" His brother asked as he walked over.

"I may have scared one of the workers." 

Remus arched a brow at him. "How?"

"He may believe me to be an escaped patient," he showed his brother the tag. "Forgot I had this on, when he saw he looked scared… so I… smiled at him."

"Slow and deranged like?" 

"Yep." 

Remus grinned and ruffled his hair. "That's my boy."

Roman snickered and pushed him lightly.

"Give over you buffon I'm not your  _ son _ , now move so I can grab a drink."

"I've grabbed you a bottle of water so feel free to get something that doesn't taste like - " Remus cut himself, his expression looked slightly pained. "- get something that has flavour or something…" he mumbled as the sentence trailed off.

Roman was certain his brother was gonna say ' _ get something that doesn't taste like ass!' _ It was after all what he always said water tasted like, because Remus was one of those weirdos that didn't like water. 

  
  


Roman frowned again, he hated the thought of his brother holding back on expressing himself or saying whatever he wanted. His brother held back for no one, regardless of consequences!

_ Except you, it's your fault he can't be himself. _

"Ree…" they really needed to talk, he didn't want his brother to hold back on his account, he knew how hard that was for his brother.

But he didn't know where to start. He sighed and grabbed a drink. One of those caramel macchiato starbucks drinks. 

God it had been so long since he had a starbucks.

  
  


He handed his goods over to his brother.

"Anything else?"

"Nah."

"You sure?" Concerned again.

Roman sighed and offered a weary smile.

"I'm sure Ree we still got Patton's cookies in the car." 

Remus nodded and began walking over to the kiosk, pausing when he saw one of the colleagues talking fearfully to the other bored and disbelieving one.

He looked over at his brother and smirked, Roman smirked back, then turned and walked down a different aisle.

  
  


Remus dropped the stuff on the counter making both the colleagues jump. He offered them a pleasant (maybe a tiny bit manic) smile and told them the pump number.

Not once did he blink. Both members of staff began shuffling nervously, and whilst the one priced up his stuff the other began shuffling away walking backwards. 

Back.

Back.

Back.

And finally he turned and let out a scream of fright.

Stumbling back and falling over landing on some of the boxes of stock.

Roman grinned down at him. His voice filled with mock concern.

"Are you okaaay?~"

  
  


The man sputtered fearfully. The other one behind the kiosk looked between twins with fright.

"Oh I'm so sorry about my brother Roman, he tends to wander whenever I look away. Come here dear, you don't want to scare the poor man any further."

Roman pouted and walked over. 

"Oh but brother dear I just wanted to play with the nice looking man."

Remus glanced over and saw the man pale and start to tremble. This was just too funny.

  
  


"Oh but brother, remember what happened to the last person you  _ played _ with?"

  
  


"I'll be more careful this time, promise!"

Remus let out a fond sounding sigh and ruffled his brother's hair then turned back to look at the other pale faced worker.

"Brothers, am I right, can't live with them but can't let them go out alone  _ just in case  _ hahaha."

The man swallowed. "T-that's $50.62 s-sir." The man stuttered.

Remus grinned and pulled out his card. Roman was now grinning over at the fallen worker again, slowly shuffling over, grin getting wider.

The man finally stood up and noticed the smaller twin approaching. He let out a cry.

Roman simpered. "What's the matter  _ friend _ you look scared, don't be scared, there's nothing to be scared about." Roman got closer.

"Roman dear come along now." Remus finished paying then walked over and took a hold of his brother's hand again. Shooting the other man who served him a look,  _ teach him to glare at people holding hands _ . 

"Say goodbye to your new friend, we must get going before… well." Remus shot Roman's new  _ friend  _ a crazed smile. 

Roman mirrored it.

  
  


"Bye my  _ new friend _ . I can't wait to see you again~" he'll never see him again.

Remus then led him out of the shop, Roman looked back and waved slowly.

  
  


Then they got in the car and Remus began the drive once more.

  
  


They looked over at each other and that was it. 

  
  


Roman wheezed as tears fell from his face.

"Oh my gooooosh  _ their faces!  _ That was brilliant! Hahaha, we have to do that more often."

Remus cackled beside him. "Twin pranks are the best pranks."

  
  


Roman laughed, stabbing the straw that came with his drink into the top of the lid and took a sip.

"You said it best brother."

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some brotherly bonding. I hope this chapter was ok.


	4. Is life a chore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of self harm scars, slight depressive talk maybe 
> 
> Let me know if I miss any warnings

After his brother made him eat the food take his meds and drink all the drinks he ended up falling asleep again, he did feel a little bad considering it was a rather long drive and his brother couldn't take a nap too but well… he's the one with the driver's license.

  
  


His brother shook him awake once again, the sky was darker out now, he imagined if the city turned the lights out at night they'd all be able to see the stars. 

He got out hugging the box to his chest and waited for his brother to grab his bag and led them inside. 

It was a simple looking apartment complex. They got the lift up to the fourth floor.

Their apartment was the third one along the hall.

Roman was impressed, it was very modern and sleek looking, and even had an upstairs, he looked at his brother curiously.

"That up there is the library, the whole back wall is filled to the brim with books, theres a table and two chairs up there along with two bean bags, this here is the kitchen." He pointed to the open planned kitchen then turned and pointed to living/dining room. "This is the living room, thankfully big enough for a sofa and arm chair and a table and chair set."

  
  


"And here's the bathroom." He then led him down the hall and took him into the bathroom, the shower was massive but lacking a bath not that he really minded… but could it be called a bathroom without a bath… showerroom? 

He turned away from the room to see his brother shuffling nervously.

He stared for a second before sighing, "Theres rules about the bathroom isn't there." 

Remus nodded his head wearily before he too sighed. "We'll talk about the rules after I've shown you to your room."

  
  


"Well then lead the way." 

  
  


They walked further down the hall he pointed to a room further down. 

"That's my room if you ever need me, and this," He pushed down the handle and opened the door to a decent sized bedroom. "Is your room." 

It had a double bed pressed up into one corner of the wall next to the window, a pine chest of draws next to a wardrobe that was place in another corner then diagonally from that a desk and and chair was in the other corner. 

The walls and carpet were cream and the bedding was just white.

The room definitely looked un-lived in.

"I figured you'd want to decorate your room instead of me." His brother said with a smile. 

Roman smiled and nodded back, no point worrying his brother by saying he rather just get a lamp in here and then that would be fine. 

He remembered when the two used to share a room, his side had the wall from top to bottom covered in posters and photos and even magazine clippings, unable to see the paint beneath. Remus also had stuff on his walls but not to that extent.

It was kind of a shock for Roman going from a shared room that was cluttered and anything but bland to well… a barren cell.

Don't get him wrong the room was nice… but it was as previously stated barren… he got used to it though.

  
  
  


There was no point getting unused to it now, he couldn't help but be fearful that he'll be admitted once again.

He walked over to the desk and placed the box on top of it. He gave the room another look over then stared at his brother who was bouncing on his feet looking at him expectantly.

"It's nice." 

Remus deflated, and Roman began panicking thinking what he could of done wrong maybe he wasnt happy enough? 

It was a lot right now.

"I promise I do like the room Ree."

  
  


Remus didn't look so sure as he stared at his twin. "You sure?"

Roman nodded. "I love it, it's just a lot to take in right now… honestly didn't think I'd ever be allowed my own room again where I can come in and out as I please… it's nice."

  
  


Remus finally seemed satisfied with that answer and gave a soft smile, then it widened as he opened his arms up. "Come here short fry."

"Don't call me short, not my fault you're a giant." 

Roman snickered and happily hugged his brother. Honestly this was another thing he thought he'd never get to do again, he squeezed him tightly almostbnot wanting to let go ever again. Remus squeezed back.

  
  


Eventually they did pull apart.

"Need a hand unpacking?" 

Roman snickered again and couldn't help but be sarcastic. "Sure Ree, you can help me unpack my one other set of clothes and pj's." 

Remus stuck out his tongue but didn't leave the room, instead he walked over the bed and dumped the duffel bag on top. 

Roman playfully shoulder passed him and opened the bag. Huh. There was a bunch of paper on top with a rubber band around.

  
  


"What are those."

"I… I dunno." He said reaching out to grab them, but his brother but him to it.

"Hey!" 

But Remus didn't look at him, instead he began open them up to read looking frightened… did his brother think they were…

A look of relief spread across his brother's face. "It seems your friends left you some letters."

Roman arched an eyebrow. He had friends?

His brother checked them all before handing them over.

Ahh generic goodbye letters they were often forced to write. Just because they were all locked up together didn't mean they liked each other. Roman attentend to avoid the other patients like the plague especially after… he shuddered.

"You alright Ro?"

"I'm fine." He shot his brother a smile then looked over at the desk.

"Does this room not have a bin?"

Remus shook his head. "Nah, can get you one tomorrow if you want, why do you want one for?"

"To put these in." Remus stared at him as if he had just sprouted up another head and started making out with it- _stop._

"But… but your friends…" 

Oh boy just avoid this conversation, abort abort! 

"Umm nevermind then, oh look at the furniture they match! Who would of thought the same kind of wood would match… get it."

"... What?"

  
  


"Rules!" He exclaimed a little to loudly making Remus jump and stare at him in concern. 

"You didn't tell me the rules of the bathroom, I'd like a shower before bed so it would be good to know them."

  
  


He didn't really want a shower, but that was the best distraction he could come up with. Remus narrowed his eyes at him but decided to go along with it for now. 

  
  


"Well… the doctor told me to not let you be in there alone for a long time and if you wanted to shave then I'd have to watch you to make sure you don't… well… yeah, anyway I remember how long you used to spend in the bathroom applying all your potions and such, you used to be like what an hour… two hours." Remus chuckled. "Still the same?"

Roman laughed. "Haha _gosh_ absolutely not, I'm out before twenty minutes is up." 

  
  


"What about all you beauty crap you used to do?"

"Keyword there **_used_ ** to. I obviously don't do that anymore. It was pointless… especially after I ran out of my _potions_ as you say."

Remus looked suddenly uncomfortable. "Oh… would you do it again if you could." 

Roman shrugged. "Dunno honestly, I hate having showers and stuff now, feels like a chore."

Remus looked devastated and quietly asked, "What about you makeup?" 

  
  


Roman could feel guilt and anger eating him up, he felt guilty for clearly making his brother sad but at the same time what did Remus expect.

"What about it? I haven't worn any since being admitted they took away most of the the products because they were too dangerous, and it wasn't like I was going somewhere to show it off." _There was that one time_ -no!

Roman shook his head angrily to dispel a thought. "Its pointless it was all pointless."

Remus looked at him helplessly. He knew he shouldn't be upset over these things. He knew that when he went to get his brother back he wouldn't be the same… but it wasn't right how his brother seemed to be acting… all the things he once loved no longer interests him. Wasn't that normally a bad thing? But he lost interest in these things in the hospital… maybe now that he's out. He'll get them back.

Remus sighed. "So… shower?"

  
  
  


He had to admit it felt good being under the spray of water for a moment anyway, as he let the awkwardness of what transpired pass. He knew he had upset his brother by not being like his old self, flamboyant and loud, demanding attention whilst wearing something grand with sharp wings and high light to boot. 

But that was when he was hiding… maybe he liked all that at first but in the end it became a chore so why bother doing it still? 

He quickly scrubbed himself clean and washed his hair, his brother said he would check on him in fifteen minutes but he should be done before then. Damn was showering always this tedious?

He got out and quickly dried himself down then slipped on his pj's he had started towel drying his hair when his brother walked in looking shocked. Had it really been fifteen minutes? Surely not.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah." He replied feeling confused. 

"It's just… it's been under ten minutes and… you're already out."

Under ten, nice.

"Oh that's cool I'm getting quicker."

"Roman… I guess you were kind of being timed before but, you can take longer showers."

He scrunched up his nose at the thought. "Nah I don't want to." 

Remus let out a tired sigh and closed his eyes, missing his brother's gaze that went from shocked and guilty to angry then back to guilty so fast it would have given him whiplash.

  
  


Roman couldn't help but think he hadn't even been back in his brother's life for a full day and Remus was already done with him… well at least he knew to mentally prepare himself for when his brother would ask him to leave.

He cleared his throat.

"I'm tired Ree, can I got to bed now."

  
  


"Yes… well actually you need to strip again." 

  
  


Roman froze. "Why?" He knew his hesitation would make his brother worried and suspicious but… he hasn't done anything _recently_ but he still had all the scars. Remus hadn't seen those. Well not all of them.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Because according to the doctors notes I still need to check you to make sure."

  
  


Roman sighed in frustration. "Fine." He mumbled and started stripping. They may have shared a room before but Roman couldn't help but be self conscious of himself now. He hated his body, and the scars that littered it and Remus- 

There was a sharp intake of breath.

-Remus didn't deserve to see his disfigured from… _he must be so disgusted with me._ He couldn't help but think sadly to himself.

"Turn around." Remus said softly. He did so.

Then after a moment he turned back and looked up at his brother's face. His heart shattered.

"Oh Ree, please don't cry."

Remus turned away to wipe his eyes. He had never seen the extent of damage his twin had done to himself, those scars, some white, some pink, some almost faded others seemed to be puffy looking and unlikely to deflate and fade. He was still far too skinny in his opinion… not as bad as the corpse-like state he was in before.

He turned back when he felt hands delicately wrap around his arm. His brother was once again dressed in his pj's staring sadly up at him with a smile.

Remus realised he was talking.

  
  


"-m ugly I know but - "

"Stop! You're not ugly, nothing about you is ugly."

Roman gave him a look and seemed ready to argue, but Remus shook his head and then pulled his brother in for another hug.

"You're not ugly! You're my beautiful twin and I love you and I _will_ destroy anyone who says you're anything but beautiful ok?"

Roman giggled. "Alright then Ree… do… do you want to share… ahh nevermind."

Remus pulled back to stare at his brother's upset face. 

"Do you wanna share the bed tonight?" He asked.

Roman nodded, looking away embarrassed. 

"You don't have to though that's cool."

He was reminded of when they were little and one of them would get a nightmare, they would always share a bed with the other when that happened.

  
  


He smiled down at his brother gently. "Come on, let's get some sleep, it's gonna be a busy day tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I've written over 5000 words for like different story's today featuring Roman, and my brain has the audacity to say that "hey man you need to write more" like umm ok chill out what's happening to you wears this creative juice when I need to do my uni work.... hello?? Hello?! *brain™️ has left the chat*
> 
> Go figure.
> 
> Also please send me prompts over on my tumblr: elegantcrowsace


	5. A new morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Self deprecating thoughts
> 
> Let me know if I miss anything
> 
> As always sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes

Snuggling in bed with his brother really took Roman back to when they were young, to a time when things seemed a lot simpler and the only monsters he had to worry about were under his bed and not in his head.

  
  


It was weird to be here now, it felt so weird not being in the hospital, knowing that no one will come in various times throughout the night to make sure he hadn't found a way to 'do himself in' as they say.

He wishes he could say he just felt happy to be out of there, but that would be a lie, well not a total lie but not the truth either. 

He was scared. 

He was scared that Remus would… would realise he was better off without his annoying clingy broken twin, he was scared he'd be sent back to St Peter's, or worse to a different hospital.

  
  
  


He was scared  _ he'd  _ find him like he promised.

What would his brother think of him if he knew?

  
  
  


He was scared his brothers friends wouldn't like him, would try and convince his brother that he was better off without Roman inconveniencing his life, because Roman knew that's all he was too his brother, an inconvenience, a burden, a -

  
  


"Roman, stop thinking so loudly, you're meant to be trying to sleep."

  
  


"Sorry." He mumbled.

  
  


Remus sighed and pulled his brother to his chest, holding tightly as if he could keep the broken pieces of his brother together with sheer willpower and love.

"You don't need to apologise to me ever, I only want you to remember one thing, that I love you, I've missed you and I'm glad you're here with me now."

  
  


Roman buried his face in his brother's chest, unable to hold back the tears. "Thank you."

  
  
  


It wasn't long till both twins, emotionally exhausted, fell asleep.

  
  
  
  


Roman woke up alone. He was facing the wall, white and barren.

  
  


He felt an intense feeling of dread as he groggily realised that his release was all a dream.

  
  
  
  
  


Then he rolled over.

  
  
  


The sight of his new room had him sitting up far too quickly, his head spinning as he fell back again, suddenly aware of the smell of sizzling bacon floating into his room.

  
  


It wasn't a dream.

  
  
  


So why didn't the feeling of dread go?

  
  


Getting out of bed he made his way out of the room and to the kitchen. His brother, still in his pyjamas, was humming a tune as he cooked their breakfast. 

Roman started smiling, the feeling of dread didn't leave but it did lessen in its intensity. He was glad his brother was still happy even with him intruding. 

  
  


Removing the pan from the stove, Remus spun around with it, his eyes lit up when he saw his brother stood near by a soft smile on his face.

  
  


"Ahh Ro you're up! Just in time, breakfast is ready~" He sang, dishing out their breakfast scramble then taking their plates over to the table.

  
  


Roman chuckled as he joined his brother at the table.

  
  


"Since when are you a morning person?" 

  
  


Remus froze.

Roman frowned. He guessed he wasn't the only one that changed because of  _ dramatic  _ reasons.

  
  


Remus smiled once more, the expression slightly pinched. "Oh well you know… that old saying the early bird catches the worm."

  
  


Roman cocked his head to the side. "But the second mouse gets the cheese?"

  
  


Remus blinked. "What."

  
  


"That's how the saying goes."

  
  


"Really?"

  
  


Roman thought back to that one counselor and all those quotes. "Trust me."

  
  


"Huh… you learn something new everyday."

  
  


"... Remus… what - "

  
  


"No, that's… that's a tale for another day…"

  
  


"... Ok."

  
  


The silence breeded guilt inside Roman's chest cavity, he always had to mess things up didn't he? 

He'd only been up for ten minutes and he'd already ruined his brothers day.

  
  


This was a mistake, he didn't  _ deserve  _ to be let out, he was just a nuisance to others, a stupid -

  
  


"Roman."

  
  


‐ Problematic -

  
  


" _ Roman." _

  
  


‐ Worthless - 

  
  


"Roman!"

  
  


He jumped, almost falling out of his chair.

He looked wide eyed at his brother, then realised he had started crying. Quickly he whipped the tears away with a soft apology.

  
  


Remus stared sadly at him before, getting up from his seat, heading around the table to hug his brother. 

  
  


He hated this, he hated seeing the brave and proud boy he once knew being reduced to  _ this. _ Stuck in his own head, trapped by a cycle of harsh words and vicious voices, he wished there was a way for him to dig inside his brother's mind and pull them  _ out. _

  
  


But he couldn't.

  
  


All he could do was reassure him that he was  _ here. _

  
  


But so far he was failing.

  
  


He could only hope it would get better - it just had to.

  
  


"I'm the one that should be apologising, I didn't mean to make things awkward it's just… a little complicated to explain right now… let's just eat our breakfast then get ready for the day, it's going to be so much fun today!" He said, his voice picking up as he got excited as he thought about the plans he had for the day.

  
  


Roman pulled away from his brother, letting him go back to eating his own breakfast.

  
  


"Oh what are we doing?" He asked, a small smile taking over his face again at seeing his brother happy once more.

"Shopping!" 

  
  


_ Oh joy. _

  
  


"Come on eat up! We gotta hurry!"

  
  


Had shopping changed since he had been incarcerated - heh that was a good word, made him sound like a disney villain instead of the prince he had once strived to be - had it become a more hurried affair?

  
  


Either way he did as his brother asked trying to hurry his eating to the speed of his brothers - not a good idea, but alas he did it anyway - so they could hurry along and get ready.

  
  


Half an hour later the twins were washed and dressed, Roman was sat on the sofa watching as his brother bounced around the room, his excitement mounting and mounting as the time wore on, making Roman realise there was something more than just shopping making his brother excited. 

  
  


There was a knock at the door, his brother froze in place and looked anxiously at him.

  
  


_ Ahh nervous excitement?  _

  
  


His brother didn't make a move to the door though, he understood why when he heard keys jangling and the door being unlocked.

  
  


Roman watched as a lanky but rather handsome man with glasses entered.

  
  


"Ahh, good morning Roman, it is nice to finally meet you."

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely happy with this chapter.... 
> 
> Come join me on discord (18+ only)
> 
> https://discord.gg/eq5ZeJ5


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